Do Unto Yourself...

A friend of mine recently set a goal and then started acting in ways that moved her further away from her goal.

So, I said, “What is wrong with you? Why can’t you do anything right? Can you not see that you’re actually moving backward? I’m not surprised. You do this every time.”

Not what you would have said to a friend? Me either. But it’s exactly what I said to myself.

For whatever reason, I am so much kinder to other people than I am to myself. I say and think things about myself that I would never say or think about another person. I make sure other people are comfortable and taken care of even as I deny my most basic needs. I expect perfection of myself even when I’m able to give others a break or the benefit of the doubt.

I don’t think I’m alone in this. I have friends who I wish would be kinder to themselves. My spiritually minded friends have said that learning to love themselves—and act accordingly—is the hardest lesson they have had to face.

Fortunately, being kind and loving toward ourselves is something that we can learn and practice. The process begins with awareness.

As you move through your day, begin to pay attention to the actions that you are taking or not taking on behalf of yourself. Where are you in your list of to-dos and priorities? Are you taking care of your basic needs?

And I do mean basic. It’s embarrassing to admit, but the red flag that lets me know that I’m not being kind to myself is how long I make myself wait to take a potty break.

When I notice that I am trying to make one more phone call, meet one more deadline, or unload one more bag of groceries BEFORE I let myself go potty, then I have to ask myself a question: Would I treat a friend like that?

Friend: “Where’s your restroom?”

Me: “It’s down the hall, but you need to finish this game of UNO before you go.”

No. I would not.

Recently, when I noticed I was denying myself the basic need of bladder relief, I started paying attention to my other actions. It wasn’t pretty. I was ignoring a lot of basic self-care, like resting when I was tired, eating when I was hungry, taking 5 minutes to enjoy nature…the list went on.

So, I realigned my priorities and made basic self-care the most important thing I had to do each day.

As I began to nourish my body and take care of my external needs, I began to feel better and able to move on to the second step of being kind to myself: being kind to myself internally.

Just like I paid attention to my actions, I began to pay attention to my words, thoughts, and emotions. What was immediately apparent was that I was more impatient than I usually am, which is really saying something.

As I began to pay attention to my self-talk, my expectations, and my judgment of how I was doing, I realized I was putting pressure on myself to hurry up, move fast, accomplish everything now, and accomplish it perfectly. So, I asked myself: Would I do that to a coworker?

Coworker: “Great news. The report you needed by 3 p.m. on Wednesday will be done by 3 p.m. on Wednesday.”

Me: “Really? I actually thought you would have that done by 10 a.m. on Monday. What about the report due at the end of the month? Any chance you can get that done today?”

No. I would not.

Just as I changed my less than kind actions toward myself, I changed the conversations I was having with myself about myself.

“I should have taken the other route, I’m such an idiot” became “I have all the time in the world to get where I need to go.”

“I’m never going to get caught up at home” became “I am grateful that I have clean underwear today and will do laundry this evening.”

Perhaps most important, “Why isn’t this perfect?” became “I’m doing the best I can, and it’s good enough”—which may be the kindest thing we can say to anyone, but especially to ourselves.

Today, I encourage you to take a moment for a reality check. Are you treating yourself like you would treat a friend, a coworker, or even a stranger? If not, pay attention to your actions and your thoughts and adjust the level of kindness you show yourself as needed.

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Let me know how it goes in the comments. What kindness can you do for yourself? What’s your warning signal that you’ve forgotten to care for yourself in a loving way? And was this blog a little TMI?